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28th August 2006
Is it Sexual? Or Something Else?
Personally...wearing diapers gives me a feeling of warmth, innocense, security, protectedness...but not sexual feelings. Don't get me wrong they're very good feelings, just not sexual. I have to keep my sex life in a "different box", I can't even think of the two things together. I was wondering if anyone else feels that way, for how many is it a sexual thing, and if it's not sexual, is it still considered a fetish?
20th August 2006
It Gets Lonely Sometimes Doesn't It?
I'm getting a little braver about integrating this life with my regular life--after all it is my regular life, because I do have incontinence, doctor certified, and I have been wearing diapers 24/7 for years. That doesn't make it any less scary to disclose the fact that I use them...and even less so that I like them. :
I have other interests, for example I'm very much into the clandestine world of espionage, intelligence, spying, and conspiracy theories. That information alone could clue you in to my regular LiveJournal identity and consequently my real identity, which I don't hide on that journal. I do use friends filters, and about half of my friends are in my "inner circle" filter. I would love to have some of you in there too, but it's scary. You never know who's going to burn you. Sad isn't it?
I may have to create an "inner circle" filter here too. That way, people that I trust could let me know if they want to know me in my other life as well.
Also, I'm becoming much more open on my other username. If I post anything about incontinence or urological stuff or diapers, I use the filter, but that still means at least 50 or so people can see it. I also have pics which are on my gallery that use the filter in the same way.
I just wish there didn't have to be all this hiding. Know what I mean?
19th June 2006
Thought For The Day
Denial is the first step to admitting there's a problem. But don't stay on the first step too long.
13th June 2006
My Night Friends
Yes I still have Coffee and Graham, two of my favoritist teddies. They sleep with me at night and at nap time. Sometimes White One does too, but he's more of a wanderer and likes to sleep under the bed with the dust bunnies. :
Ok if any of you are into rubber duckies like I am, this website has lots and lots of different things. My favorites are the t-shirts. Lookie!http://www.zazzle.com/search/ducky%20t-shirt
9th June 2006
Hi to all of you. I'm so sorry I haven't posted for so long. I was hibernating. A lot has happened in the year since my last post. For one thing my urologist did a bunch of tests on me and he says my urinary incontinence is neurological. WHATEVER! As long as he doesn't cure me. :
I'm doing therapy again. I love my new therapist. The main thing I've been working on is overcoming fear and embarrassment. I didn't like to change in public restrooms because the tapes on my diapers make too much noise! I would always try to peel them s-l-o-w-l-y so they wouldn't make a sound. Now I have a new plan. My therapist says I should be proud to wear diapers and my homework was to 1. not avoid public restrooms, and 2. rip the tapes off to make as much noise as I can. The first time I did that I was giggling to myself because there was someone in the stall next to mine.
The next thing I'm working on is to never turn down an opportunity to go anywhere or do anything fun simply because there might be a chance I have to disclose that I have to wear diapers. It feels really good to have someone who is so supportive and who I can tell everything to.
I hope all of you are dry and snug (unless wet is your preference). Nighty night.
10th June 2005
It's been awhile since I've posted anything. I love my toy furries that I keep in bed with me. They make me feel so good. Graham is my favorite cuz I've had him the longest. :
Life has been really stressful lately. There must be something about me that says "I'm your friend and if you're in trouble I'll help." I can't say no to people. I just don't have the heart. And I guess I'm a good listener.
Anyway, it doesn't all just run off my back. I worry about my friends if they're sad or hurting. And I listen to them and comfort them. Even their kids and their kids friends come to me... the kids in the park call me Daddy now.
But I'm a baby too. Sometimes it's hard to make it all work together. But life is good even when it's hard. I love you all.
13th April 2005
Look at me!
I just wanted to show off my new icon. Thanks and big hugs to : werefolf_song
for giving it to me.
I do kind of relate to it, although there's another totally sweet side to me that most people know me as. Guess I'm complicated.
Oh...and please check out the new piccie on my info page.
6th April 2005
Hi :) :
I finally managed to get an icon on here. I like it, but I wish I had more choices. If anyone wants to make me an icon that's already 100x100 or less, I would be your baby forever...well maybe.
24th March 2005
Oh oh oh...
Please stroll down two posts for the answers to the quiz, hehehe...I can't wait til you read them! ::::Presenting bottom for a spanking::::::
22nd March 2005
Oh and yay for insurance!!!
Hooray for my medical insurance. Now they are paying for my Depends Overnights, now called Maximum Protection. Bravo! Hip Hip Hooray! Yippee! Clapping hands! :
Well I really do have a real medical problem, but I won't have to keep flushing my money down the toilet--well ok throwing it in the wastebasket. They are going to give me 1 case (80) per month. That's nice.
A Test For You To Take
I have no idea how this works or what I'm doing, so I hope I don't offend anyone. If I do then I need a spanking. :
23rd February 2005
What makes us tick?
It's been awhile since I posted. Hi everyone! :
Why are we the way we are? Does anyone know of any good books about our psychology? Do we have unresolved things from childhood? I've read that abdl is not something easily curable, and hey who wants to anyway?
But I can only speak for myself. Its very confusing to me, because there are so many things that could have contributed both physically and emotionally. I'm not even sure where one ends and the other begins.
My parents were abusive. I was a bedwetter and sometimes daytime wetter. I didn't know why and my parents thought it was either intentional or some sort of obstinate behavior. It wasn't. When I had an accident, usually at night, then there would be humiliation. The worst was when my mother made me wear diapers to school which was fairly often. I would cry and wail as if I was being sent to hell. I can't even explain the absolute finality and feeling of being condemned to a fate worse than death.
Growing up, I don't remember a lot, especially from the years of about 6 til maybe 12 or so.
When I was about 12 I had a horrible infection. It was probably yeast, because there was a yucky discharge. But I never got treated for it. I told my mother at some point, but she just told me it would go away eventually. After that I always had some degree of leakage.
I improvised for most of my teen and early adult years with some kind of pads, extra layers of underpants, etc. It wasn't until my late twenties or early thirties that I think I tried diapers again. It was different this time. It managed the problem, gave me the most freedom, and it felt good too. Sort of comforting.
But I still feel guilty. I feel like I'm doing something wrong. Not all the time, but I go through phases where I feel ashamed or something. I absolutely have no control, and haven't for years, so why do I feel guilty? Is it because I enjoy it or I don't want to fix the problem even if there's a way?
Even when my urologist asked me if I was managing ok with the diapers and I said yes, and he said that was fine, I still felt something tugging at me a little. I think I just need to accept myself more than I do. I can reason that I'm ok and not defective, but sometimes I don't really believe it.
How do people come to terms with something like this?
27th January 2005
Are You My Mommy?
Just kidding. Sort of. In my real life I have to play Dad and Mom so I just have to include myself in there somewhere. :
Jan. 12 was my birthday. I had cake and ice cream. Yummy! I gave my teddy a bath like someone said to and it worked! It wasn't Coffee, it was a different one. He's all white and snuggly. Coffee might get soggy for good if I give him a bath. Can anyone tell me? His label says he has plastic pellets in him. Poor Coffee!
Did everyone have a Happy New Year? I didn't like it. It reminds me of things I that aren't good, and I have to hide. I can manage it ok though. I mean when the bad feelings are there I can put them somewhere else until it's safe for them. Now it's better without New Years.
I haven't cried in a long time. I feel like my tears are all dried up. I know they are somewhere, but I don't know where. People don't understand, so I don't tell them. My mom understands. I'm this 12 year old very quiet, often sad, lonely kid who still wears diapers. But thats the good part. Sometimes it's all that holds me together.
I didn't want to make anyone sad but I know this isn't a very cheerful thing to write about. It's just me as I am this moment. I'll be better tomorrow.
3rd January 2005
Bear Has a Name
My bear is named Coffee because somebody spilled coffee on him and now he smells like it. It was either Jessica or my kitty. Whoever it was, I forgive them and Coffee does too. We try not to hold grudges...ever. Never let the sun go down on an argument someone said. Always kiss and make up.
30th December 2004
YAY! Happy New Year!!!
I wonder what everyone is celebrating about this year. As for me...it's because the most important people in my life know me and accept me just the way I am. That includes my parents, brothers and sisters, girlfriend, and my kids. :
The other day I had lunch with my mom. I love her so much. She's almost 80 now, and she's so sweet. We go to the same urologist and well she has her problem and I have mine. Only mine isn't really a problem if you know what I mean. In other words its a legit medical problem, but I have to keep reminding them I'm "ok" wearing diapers. Anyway, my mom was telling me I should wear cloth diapers and rubber pants like she used to put on me when I was a kid. She said those disposables are so expensive she doesn't know how anyone can afford them. I said, "I do Mom, see?" and I pulled the waist band up and showed her. She said she's glad I'm using them and she always thought they were better.
I'm not knocking anyones choices, I'm just saying how happy I am to have such an open relationship with my mom...my real life mom.
We had such a good time. When I left she gave me such a nice hug and a kiss.
That's what I wish for each and every one of you for the New Year.
Love and Cuddles,
28th December 2004
This Christmas I was more broke than I've ever been at Christmas. The stress before Christmas was worse than the actual holiday. By then, it was somehow ok. It was a good thing I switched to cloth diapers a long time ago, because I was too broke to buy any disposables. :
Most of the time I like cloth better anyway, and they definitely work better at night. But for convenience it's nice to have a pack of disposables around for those times when you just don't feel like dealing with it.
I hope everyone's holidays were extra nice with lots of presents especially furry ones, or a pack of Molicares under your tree, or some brand new flannel jammies. My girlfriend gave me the nicest teddy bear with glasses. I think that means she's saying I'm a nerd, which I sort of am. But she's also saying she loves me and that she loves the baby I am too. She's really nice.
16th December 2004
Hooray! My Urologist Says I Should Stay the Way I Am For Now ;)
Well I had my dreaded appointment today, but this time my doc seemed much gentler and easier to talk to. After looking at all my test results, he looked at me and said, "Are you doing ok with the diapers?" :
I tried not to look too happy, but I'm sure I grinned and said yes. He gave me some samples of the Ditropan patch, and he said "Here you can try these if you want. They probably won't work for you because nothing else has, but it sounds like you're managing ok just the way you are anyway. See me in another year."
I've been on cloud nine ever since.
12th December 2004
From reading a lot of your journals, I'm guessing that the dl thing is not something most people share many people. This is a slightly different perspective. :
Even though I'm a dl it's not really a choice. I mean wearing them. Unless I got surgery, used a catheter, or some other thing that I would never do. Which makes it slightly easier to share. My parents and most of my family know of course. My girlfriend and my ex knows. Yes, ex-wife. And they don't care. My kids know, and it doesn't bother them. My daughter has spina bifida and so it was like a bond that we had until she got surgery and didn't need them anymore.
My close friends know too and because their kids are my kids best friends and do sleepovers and stuff, eventually they found out too. Also my daughter has a habit of purposely embarrassing me by outing me to people if she's mad at me.
But I never, ever bring it up unless someone asks me first, or if its out of necessity, or unavoidable. I just don't want to offend anyone or make them feel uncomfortable.
BTW, I have another urology appointment on Thursday, where my doc will discuss a bunch of tests they did on me over the last few months. I got a cystoscopy (ouch!), urodynamics, ultrasound and CAT scan of my bladder, and a few other things. The cystoscopy was the first time they ever stuck that thing up there without making me bleed profusely! Yay! But they still didn't see anything interesting. The urodynamics test was weird. They stuck two catheters in me and started putting saline into my bladder. They expected me to be able to hole a certain amount which would tell them what my capacity was. Well, nothing stayed in--at all.
The doctor tried several times, but finally commented that I had a very uninhibited bladder. I said what's that sposed to mean? But he didn't answer.
So Thursday I guess they will give me their learned opinions on what they think I should do. All I wanted them to do was tell me I wasn't dying of bladder cancer or something horrible like that. They always want to cure me though.
7th December 2004
Hello, I'm new here. My name is Tim.
cross-posted on : ageplay
I just wanted to introduce myself. I'm a newbie to this community and to the larger community of ageplay or abdl or whatever. I've always just kept it to myself. I came into this from a different place than most people. A lot of things happened in my childhood that I don't understand, and some that I don't remember, but I do know there was a lot of abuse, and it was very scary. I still live with that, I mean the emotions and the pain.( Read more...Collapse )
6th December 2004
Hi everyone. This is my brand new journal, a place for me to heal, to feel safe, to have friends, to feel good, to be me. I hope I'll make lots of friends here. :
Can anyone tell me how to get a nice icon for my new journal? I only go online at the library right now, but eventually that will change. The problem is for me to get a pic up without having a scanner or downloading (the library won't let you).
I'll tell you more about myself when I'm ready.